Pages (Recent dairy)

Doston, jahan main apne mazi k kuch safhat aap logon say share kar raha hon wahi yeah bhi samjhta hon k aaj ki dairy ya apne ehsasat bhi aap say share karon.

Aaj kal main aik beemari say nimat raha hon, Chemotherapy chal rahi hai jis ki taklif aur shidat ka ehsas is beemari k bare main kuch na kuch jante hain.

Sath hi sath aik aur gham say nimat raha hon yeah gham meri zindagi ka sab say bara rog ban gaya hai, meri zindagi aik mazakh aur tamasha bn k reh gae hai, Aik ensan jis ki hum ji jaan say chahat karain, arzoo karain, chahain, apna samjhain, aur woohi insane humari sari mehnat ko sari chahat ko hum say cheen lai, humare pass kuch na rahe tu kia hota hai? Kaal raat main buht roya, aur wese bhi yeah rona meri zindagi ka aik lazmi hisa ban chukka hai, jabh jabh main kisi ko dil say yad karta hon tu meri ankhon say ansoo nikal parte hain.

Yeah aik bilkul alag kahani hai, meri zindagi main Mazher, Asif, Allan, Asim aur bhi kuch log aye jin k sath doosti rahi, jin ko dil say apana mana un k jimson ki nahi rooh ki pooja kari, jism ki poja har kisi ki nahi ki jati, jin k sath Milan hota hai wooh bht hi khas log hote hain. Buht khas!

Wooh insane meri zindagi main 3 baras pehle ayaa, jabh hum is muhalle main bilkul newly shift howe. Mere gher k bilkul samne wala gher un logon ka tha, wooh larka mujh say parhne k liye mere pas aya sham k wat main farig hota tha isi liye socha chalo parha deta hon, jabh parhana shuru kia tu pata laga k us ko tu likhna parhna bilkul bhi nahi atta, main nai apni pori koshish aur menat kari raat ko late night tak beth kar parhana aik aik bat samjhana shuru kari, sath sath us ski family say bhi humare family terms ho gaye, kuch month k baad pta laga k in logon k financial condition kuch achi nahi tu main nai fesla kia k iss larke ki parhai ka sara kharcha aur zima mera hoga, main nai aur mehnat aur dil say parhana shuru kia, 8 month ki mehnat k baad who larka is qabil howa ki kisi school main us ko text dilwa kar admission kara sakon, umr kuch ziada thi mgr koshish tu ki ja sakti thi, main nai apne bharose aur yaqin k sath uss larke ko kuch school’s main admission test dilwae, aur after test uss larke ko clas 8^th main admission mil gaya, main buht khush tha k es larke ko aik mouqa mila k wooh agai barh sake, ess larke k gher ka mahool sirf etna tha k larkiun ko gher say bahar nahi nikalna chahiye aur larkon ko khuli azadi hai jo chahe karte phire. Main nai us ki moral tarbiyat bhi karna shuru kari, aur wooh school jane laga, school ka sara kharcha mere zimeh tha, phir us k pass ache kapre nahi thy, school main aur logon k samne main nai yehi zikr kia k yeah mera cousin hai. Aur jabh yeah mera cousin hai tu I k pas bhi ache kapre hone chahiye, pehli dafa wooh mere sath market gaya aur apni pasand k kapre kharede. Aur hum ne bahar hi khana khaya. Ahista ahista main us k aur wooh mere qarib agaya. Etna qarib k meri zindagi ka maqsad aur sari tawajah us larke ki taraf ho gaye. Main apni pori koshish karta k jitna jaldi office say free ho sakta hon gher jaon aur baqi ka sara tym us larke k sath guzaron.

Uss larke k gher k financial halat kharab say kharab hote chale gaye, us k gher wale har mushkil main aur har pareshani main mujh say rabita karte aur job hi main kar sakta tha kia. Ahista ahista main us larke ka aur who larka mera hota chala gaya, humari umr main 8-9 year ka farq hai. Mgr aik hi saal main wooh larka mere etna qareeb agaya k uss say sab kuch kehne ki himat oh gaye, guzre aik saal main mujh ko buht logon nai kaha k main uss larke k bht qarib na jaon, khud us k relatives jog her k qarib hi rehte thy nai mujh ko aksar warn kia k main in logon kko ziada moun na lagaon, mgr main nai sab say yehi kaha k jabh mere dil main koi khoot nahi, mera maan sacha hai, mera dil saaf hai tu koi ghalt insane bhi mere sath ghalt nahi kar sakta. Wooh mera bharosa aur mera yaqin tha. Main nain us larke ko bata dia k main aik gay hon, wooh mujh ko bhai kehta mgr rehta aik buht ache dost ki tarhan tha, waqt guzarta gaya aur wooh 8^th say 9^th main agaya, muhalle main us k kuch aur dost bhi ban gaye, un doston main wooh kuch ziada hi ghul mil kar rehne laga tu main ne etiraz karna shuru kia k yeah sahi nahi hai abhi apna sara dhayan parhai par du mgr wooh na mana aur bahane bahane say awaragardi karne laga. Main jabh buht ghussa hota tu us say bat karna choor deta, aur jabh bat karna chorta tu wooh bhi salam tak na karta, kuch din k baad thak har kar main hi us say bat karta aur phir samjhata k kia sahi hai aur kia ghlt. Wooh kuch din thik rehta aur us k baad phir say woohi harkatain shuru kar deta. Main jalta aur kudta reh jata. Kabhi kabhi esa mehsoos hota k jese koi us ko mujh say chin na lay, ess dar say aur ziada dekhta note karta k who kabh kahan jata hai aur kis say milta hai kia karta hai, mgr wooh meri aik na suntan abh us ka dhayan parhai par bilkul nahi tha, bus awaragardi, doston k sath yahan wahan uthna bethna ache kapre pehenna, perfume estimal karna bus yehi sabh reh gaya tha aur main us ki chahat main us ki aik khushi k liye kisi bhi had say guzar jata. Us ne jo manga main nai us ko dya.

Uss k har khwab ko main na sacha karne ki pori koshish kari sirf us ki wajha say us ski family ko buht ziada financial support kia. Aik aur bars nikal gaya, main kabhi rothta tu wooh manta bhi nahi es doran humara sirf oral hi howa tha. Us say agai barhne ki mujh main himat nahi thi kiun k mujh ko abh kuch shak hone laga tha k mujh ko use kia jar aha hai, aur logon ki batain yad arahi thi k yeah logon say wafa ki koi umid nahi. Mgr main apne piyar main andha aur behra ho gaya ta, main abh bhi yehi soch raha tha k agr mera piyar sacha hai tu mere sath kuch ghalt nahi hoga, us ko jabh bhi kisi cheez ki zaroorat hoti wooh mere pas ata aur main us k honton say nikalne say pehle us ki zaroorat ko pora karta, us ski koi esi wish nahi thi jo main nai pori na kari ho. Koi esa arman nahi tha jo 2 years main pora na howa ho. Main andhon ki tarhan agai barhta chala gaya, iss doran mujh par bht bore aur mushkil waqt bhi aye mgr main ne hamesha khud ko akela paya, tanha paya, main yehi sochta raha k wooh aye ga aur mera kandha sambhale gaa, mujh ko sahara day ga aik dost ki tarha aik piyar kare wale ki tarhan. Mgr kabhi esa na howa. Mujh say mila tu door mujh ko text karna bhi buht mushkil tha, han jab bhi koi kamhota aur zaroorat hoti tu who call bhi karta aur text bhi karta. Akhir aik din esa agaya jab mere sabr ka pemana khatm ho gaya. Uss ne mujh ko pichle 2 year say dhoka dia shayad is main us ka qasoor nahi, jabh kisi insan ko us ki soch au heiyat say ziad mila shuru ho ja tu esa hi hota hy, ya shayad us k gher walon ki tarbiyat hi kuch esi thi k samne wale ko uss waqt tak estimal karo k jabh tak who thak k haar na maan lai, main har manne ki position main nahi tha 9^th k exams howe tu main khud uss k school gaya wahan ja k mujh ko pata laga k yeah school main funter giri karta hai, badmash mashoor hai, parhai main bilkul null mgr dosre kamon main sab say agai, yahan tak k school ki principal ne keh diya k iss umr k larke ko school main admission karna un ki ghalti thi aur abh wooh shayad uss ko school say expel out kar dain.

Yeah sab mere liye achanak tha aur main tu samjh raha tha k yeah buht acha parh raha hai, mgr esa kuch nahi meri wish thi k ess ki school main good will ho, yeah khud ko buht acha student banai, apna aur mera naam roshan kare, mgr sabh kuch uss ka ulta ho raha tha. Uss par yeah bhi k uss ka aik sath 2 larkiun say affair chal raha tha.

Abh mere liye bardasht khatm ho rahi thi, main tu jese buss aik ATM machin ban k reh gaya tha wooh larka aur uss k gher wale mujh ko buht buri tarhan istimal kar rahe thy, ese k jese main un ka bank hon aur jahan inn ka koi account bhi nahi aur jese chahain jitna chahain loot lain.

Yeah mere liye buht bari azmaish thi, aik taraf mera piyar tha, meri chahat thi, dosri taraf munafiqat, dhooka aur fareb tha, main nai khud ko samjhane ki buht koshish kari k main hi ghalt soch raha hon mgr har ane wale din kuch na kuch esa ho jata k jiss say mere bharose aur yaqin aur etimad ko buri tarhan taklif hoti, uss ko badalne main us ski family ka bht bara hat tha mgr yahan bi aik aur insan tha jis nai uss ko mujh say chin lia, main nai pehle uss larke ki bht ezat kari k yeah ess ka dost hai mgr ahista ahista uss larke nai us ki soch, aur fikr ko badal dala, aur yeh wohi naam hai jo meri zindagi main bar bar ajata hai. Atif, ess larke ka kam sare muhale ki larkiun ko patina aur un k sath flirt karna tha, khud larkyan bi esi hi hoti hain tabhi sab kuch jante howe who bhi game khelti hain, din bhar kisi na kisi sadak par kisi na kisi jaga par bethe rehte aur mobile par chit chat ya awara gardi. Sham ko ban than k ready howe aur phir awara gardi. Jabh had ki bhi had ho gai, tu main nai bar bar socha hazar bar socha k abh mujh ko kia karna hai aik dafa phir dil aur dimagh ki jang shuru ho gai, yehi socha k akhir kab tak estial hota rahon ga? Akhir kab tak log mujh say aur mere jazbat say khelte rahe gai? Akhir kab tak main ess larke ko aur ess ki cheating ko bardasht karta rahon gaa, mere hi pese par yeah larka ess k gher wale aur iss k dost ayashiyan karte phir rahe thy aur main apne room main baith kar sochne aur rone k elawa kuch aur nahi kar sakta tha. Main bar bar sochta aur har jata k nahi “main uss k bagher nahi reh sakta,” aik mouqa aur deta hon, khud hi say batain akrta ar khud ko normal rakhne ki koshish karta. Mgr wooh larka nahi sudhra ahar anai wale din mere liye mushkil say mushkil hota chala gaya. Koi uss ko samjhane wala nahi tha, main bhi aik had tak hi samjha sakta tha aur bata sakta tha. Meri chahat ko wooh samjh hi nahi pa raha, aur main us ski chahat main andha aur gonga hota chala gaya, meri tbayat aur halat bhi mera sath nahi day rahi thi, mujh ko bhi kisi dost ki kisi sathi ki talash thi k jis say main bat kar sakon, apna keh sakon, 2 saal tak sab kuch jesa tha wesa hi chalta chala gaya, mujh ko uss k jism ki nahi us ski rooh ki zaroorat thi, uss k piyar ki aur woohi care jo main us ki karta tha mgr wooh khud aur us k gher wale jab koi kam hota tu yad karte nahi tu hafton kuch pata nahi hota main hi paglon ki tarhan us ko yahan wahan dhoondhta phirta us ki aik jhalak dekhne k liye jane kia kia karna parhta. Mgr na hi meri halat aur na hi mera pyar us ko kuch samjha paya, din guzarte rahe aur main aik ache din ki umid par roz jeeta aur mart  gaya mgr us ko chorne ka khayal bhi nahi soch paa raha tha k kese jeon ga us k bagher? Kia karon gaa aik baras aur pora hone wala thaw ooh ab metric main tha aur wooh school parhne nahi jata tha balke funter giri karne ya apni gf’s k sath cher khani karne. Main khud ko bht majboor aur tanha mehsoos karne laga, iss aik insan k liye main nai 3 baras kia nahi kya? Sabh ne roka magr main nahi ruka, us ne jo chaha aur jesa chaha kia mgr aaj mujh ko yeah sila mila jahan badnami, zliat aur dhooka.

Main abhi tak koi fesla nahi kar pa raha k karon bhi tu kia karon? Kuch samjh nahi paa raha k uss ko choor don? Ya achi umid par us k sath rahon.

Aaj woohi howa jis ka dart ha us ki funter giri nai sare muhalle main mera moun kala kara diya aik larki k peche buht larai hoi, aur who Atif us k peche peche tha. Mere dil main ata k main Atif say hi khul kbat karon mgr kese karon? Aur kia karon jabh wooh ensan jo meri rooh main utra howa hai meri bat nahi samjh raha tu ye Atif kese samjhe ga kahin mera aur tamasha na ban jae.

Main nai essi larke say bat karne ka fesla kia, apne samne bitha kar uss ko har bat keh dali, shayad meri ankhon main ansoo bhi thy, uss k hath per jore k who esa na kare, khud ko kuch banae, khud k liye kuch kare, meri mehnat ki kamai ko ese loafaron par na urai. Zindagi sirf aik bar chance deti hai esi iye kuch kar le nahi tu sari umr pachtana hi parta hai. Hamesha ki tarhan uss ne wade kiye qasmain khai aur next day say woohi old routin.

Abh main nai break up ka fesla kar lia hai main ese ghut ghut k nahi jee sakta, jo hoga dekha jae gaa. Maron gat u nahi uss k bagher, mgr ….

Aaj uss k abu nai mujh say kisi kamka kaha sari rat main hospital main tha mustaqil bleeding ho rahi thi, us ko call kari text kiye us k baap ko us k bhaiun ko call kari text kiye mgr koi jawab na mila Karachi say door yahan sirf aik hi asra tha k yeah log mere kaam ayege mgr sari raat koi nahi aya. Aur main sari raat hospital main akela hi para raha. Aur jab utha tu uss k baad ki call aye main nai un ko bolwaya unhon nai jitni raqm mangi wooh main nai un ko di aur kaha k “”Uncle abh bus bht ho gaya, mujh say abh aur bardasht nahi hota, main koi ATM machine nahi hon, aap main say job hi mujh ko phone karta hai ya text karta hai tu sirf aik hi kaam k liye aur main kabhi mana nahi karta, mgr kal rat jis azab aur karb main main nai guzari hai us k baad nahi, mera aur aap logon ka sath shayad yahan hi tak tha, jis ki khatir main nai etna kuch kia who mujh ko kehta hai k (bhai yahansab su gaye hain main bhi su raha hon hum subh bat karte hain) yeah sunne k liye 3 saal say …… nahi uncle, main nai aap ko hamesha apana jana aur mana main koi pagal nahi hon na hi koi edhi home khol rakha hai, aap ko apna kaha tu main nai bhi apnon ki hesiyat say apna farz pora karne ki pori koshish kari, apne gher walon ki aur dosre logon ki parwa nahi kari, jabh uss ensan k pass mere liye tym nahi hai tu main bhala kiun, sari raat who Atif say bat kar sakta hai aur apni girl friends say bat kar sakta hai tu yahan mere pas hospital nahi asakta?” aur bhi bht kuch kehna tha mgr kiun k hospital tha esi liye foran khud par ctrl kia aur moun dosri taraf kar lia Uncle sahib bhi apne who pese le kar chale bane.